Be The Blessing

I had about four months off school and then I managed to go back and did one A-level, attending two hours a week. I would get a taxi to school which would drop me right by the door of the classroom, my friend would carry my bag into the classroom for me and I’d sit leaning against the wall so the wall could prop me up, then I’d do the lesson and then they’d just throw me back in the taxi. Everyone was very kind to me. My school leaders and teachers were magnificent.  

Our plan was that I’d do a third year in sixth form to do the other two A-levels which would give me time to get completely well and then go to University. I got worse. I went to school for that second term, trying to do two A-levels and ended up having a terrible infection and couldn’t go back to school. I realised then that I couldn’t do two A-levels at once, so I did one on my own – I didn’t go to any lessons, I just had a big textbook and I just did what I could. Learning to cope by myself at that early age was a blessing and that is now the basis of all the things I teach my clients. I help them navigate their way through unrelenting challenge.  

I did very well in my A-levels and I was still desperate to go to University. I live near Durham, Newcastle and Sunderland Universities and I was offered places at all three, but I had to go to Sunderland because I couldn’t drive or sit up in a car to get to Newcastle or Durham, plus there was nowhere to park and all the buildings were too old and had steps At Sunderland we had a special needs officer: her name was Sue and she was absolutely wonderful. 

I did my degree on 1/6 time. In the first year, I went for three weeks, had another massive infection and went to hospital for the rest of the year. It was grim and I did the exam on my own in the end with all the re-sitters. Lots of people told me it wasn’t worth it, I was the joke of the place – but I wasn’t the joke when I went to 1/3 time or 2/3 time with loads of treatment and wise management and eventually I graduated top of my year. I had such wonderful help to make it possible. I always tell my clients that there is treasure in their 1/6th efforts!  

There were two blessings that came out of that time. Firstly, I learned all the tools and coping skills that I now teach to my coaching and counselling clients; secondly, the University saw how hard I was trying and asked me to give talks to new post-graduate students about how to keep going through their courses and that was another of those electricity up your feet moments for which I had been searching.  

When I finished my degree, my University offered me a place on a Master’s degree and then a Doctorate, both of which I completed part-time. Throughout these years I was still having between 12- 40 weeks a year in bed or in hospital and then the rest of the time I still wasn’t well or able like everybody else, so I wasn’t employable. I might have had a very good degree, but there was very little I could do. I felt very frustrated because my physical health was so unreliable: if I got a cold, I would have to spend three weeks in bed.  

At the end of my studies, I was 36 and wondering how I could make some contribution to the world. I made a list of the things that I might be able to do that would be useful. By the end of the doctorate and doing all those talks for the University, I knew that I could speak and write and quietly inspire. I thought I could maybe write, speak and be some kind of helpful coach and essentially I’ve done that for ten years. 

I wrote my first book, Lifejoy: Your Manual for Resilient Living, about all the things that might help people to cope through the stages of life, whatever their physical and mental health levels. I’ve done lots of motivational talks and speeches. I’ve seen great courage and capabilities in the frailest souls. My purpose is to celebrate goodness and help clients see their immense worth.   

I’ve always had coaching and counseling clients because they didn’t care if I could walk or run, they just wanted wisdom and help. The clients who come to me who are generally very capable women who are self-employed and carrying an invisible load like dyslexia, ADHD, dyspraxia or chronic illness, and/or they’re often looking after an unwell relative – I say that they’re holding up the world. They come to me once a week or fortnight for just an hour and I help them with their coping strategies and their confidence in themselves to carry on. They are very giving people, but they need some backup because they’re the backup for everybody else. They’re exhausted, they’ve held the world up for so long and then something has broken their back: their child’s sick or their mother-in-law’s suddenly ill or they’re managing challenges or whatever.  

I always try and help my clients see their own worth and then we explore what can we do to make it a bit less bad. I used to say, “What can we do to make it better?” but I think that asking, “How we can make it a bit less bad?” is a much more powerful question, because sometimes you can’t have perfection, only a good intention and wise effort.  

During the last decade as a Celebrant, I’ve conducted nearly a thousand funeral services. I was able to help people at their very worst time because my Mum a horrific degenerative illness, I had a Father who had severe chronic illness and I had experienced it too. I was useful because I’d had so much trouble, a unique balance of empathy, experience and education. I could help people with their loss and transform some of their grief. The services that I took were full of love, hope and gratitude.  

When the pandemic hit, I was told to shield. It was disheartening, because I felt I’d worked so hard and made so many sacrifices to manage to be self-employed. I lost so much of it overnight, but I’m very resilient and I teach people to have huge fortitude, so I started over again. I wrote two more books. I couldn’t go out and do funerals, which broke my heart, and I couldn’t go out and do talks anymore, so I increased my coaching and counseling clients and I felt like I had electricity up my feet again. The book that was written through the first lockdown was a ‘thought for the day’ type of book called: “Your Lifejoy Year: An Enriching Thought for Every Day.”  

What would you consider your greatest achievement or your proudest moment? 

I would say caring for my Mother was my greatest achievement: it was an enduringly difficult for so long. It was unrelenting for 14 years. She was so thoughtful and generous – she would send me to school with extra money for the kids who couldn’t afford to go on the school trip. She was such a blessing to her pupils and us. It was desperate to see her suffer so much and having to navigate the care system was brutal, because she was undiagnosed, untreated and unmedicated for three years because no one believed us, then her body deteriorated and that was hellish. I had to battle hard for her care and be an advocate for her, whilst trying to hold my head up so I didn’t drown. My Father was heroic in his devotion to her whilst very unwell himself. My husband helped us so much and our friends were wonderful. The team of carers that loved her through those years were magnificent. We will always be grateful for their professionalism and grace.  

I took my Mother’s funeral and the funeral itself was easier than the previous 14 years. Our Church was packed. The front rows were full of my clients: I had done their Mothers’ funerals and they came to my Mother’s funeral. Their love sustained me and still does.